Sunday was a difficult day. Monday wasn’t the best until the end of it. I had a lot to say on Sunday. Do you ever feel like words just keep coming and you have to get them out or you’ll explode? Maybe it’s just me.
Despite the other two posts from Sunday, I’ve been going through a hard time. I’ve been working on a fund raising banquet and trying to prepare for Germany. My body is at odds with the hours I’ve been keeping, and my soul is sluggish from feeling like a battleground. The scars run deep as I’ve been attacked in all areas of my life. My pride took over. Shame and guilt. Anger and resentment. Loneliness and pain. Bewilderment. Sorrow. Defiance. Exhaustion. The enemy knows all too well how to attack and when to attack.
I was in a deep fog. I thought that I couldn’t get out of it without a miracle, but I couldn’t see it coming any time soon. Silly me. I was right, I needed a miracle. I knew that Prime on Monday would be great, but I didn’t know it’d be part my miracle. My prayer warriors are the other part. Here’s the thing– I was stuck in a rut. I had a secret sin that was bringing me down, and it was ready to take over. I knew that it was building its place in my heart and settling in. I was scared. I knew that I had to do something, but what? This thing, this distraction, was pulling me towards destruction. I was so consumed by it, that I was becoming obsessive.
It wasn’t what God wanted for my life. He’s not the God of destruction; He’s the God of creation. Anything destructive I do (did) or you do, is against His perfect creative will for your life. He doesn’t want to see you hurting. I knew deep in me that I had to break free from this or I would keep on doing it. I’d let it totally consume my life until I completely destroyed this perfect promise God promised me.
I begged for prayer, and I know it helped. I prayed, but I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right. Do you know how hard it is to face God and wonder if you’re praying correctly? Seriously!? When I discovered the power in prayer, I knew that all I had to do was talk to Him. That’s it. I had come to a point where I was doubting it. If you think about it, I was doubting God. Thankfully, He forgives that. But, it’s hard to one day realize that you haven’t talked to Him in a while, and when you try, it feels useless. Not that He doesn’t hear it but that what you’re saying is empty… despite everything you know.
Like I said, this Sunday was hard. I was seriously considering skipping out on church and wallowing in self-pity or something more useless. I actually went for the wrong reason, but I went anyway. It was hard, but I’m glad I went because I realized that I had become steeped in this secret obsession, and I was really harming myself. I could feel the feelings of anxiety coming out. I felt like all eyes were on me, and they were waiting for me to do something stupid. I felt judged and like people were talking about me behind my back. It’s not a pride thing; it’s paranoia. That’s what happens to me when I’m in a fog. I feel like people are ignoring me because they think I’m obsessive when really, I’m just being paranoid. I lose confidence in myself because I’ve blocked out the confidence I have in God. I rely on people, not God. That’s idiotic. It’s a slippery slope in a monsoon on a downward spiral slide into a cave with spiders and clowns. Ew. Just not good.
I went through the motions that day. I went to the service. I tried to get into worship, and I got really frustrated that I understood the words, but I wasn’t applying them. I struggled through the message because it was about loving the Bible, and I couldn’t seem to wrap my thoughts around even getting into the Word. I came home, and I tried to read a book about God and then I tried to read the Bible, and I got distracted, lost track of time, and I was late to a leadership meeting. Wow. Then, all through the meeting, all I could think about was me. How shallow am I? There are the great ideas being presented to me on getting the middle-schoolers involved in service, and all I can think about is how I won’t even be here to see it start. LAME!
Oh, but there was something about the service that night that broke me. There was a guest preacher who taught on the passage in Philippians 2 about how to be humble like Christ. Dang. Then, we took the Lord’s Supper. I realized that I had been doing a lot of self-thinking. I was obsessing over me, and I think I was doing a pretty good job of hiding it. It’s hard to take the Lord’s Supper when you’re wrapped up in yourself. The Spirit broke me down and had me weeping through the music and Pastor Johnny’s words. He taught me something that night.
I haven’t been applying what God’s been teaching me through His servants, His word, and His words on my heart. He will not go back on His promises, but I have to lean on Him and trust Him that He will take care of it all. I don’t have to worry about a thing. I’ve likened this situation to tithing. Here’s how:
God answered a prayer, and He provided me with a promise. Just like God provides money. I took that promise and held fast to it. Just like people hold onto their money. It became something I worshiped. People worship money. It was to become my downfall. People become slaves to money, and they live empty lives. However, I gave it back to Him to do with what He will. When you realize that nothing you have is yours, but His, give it back to Him and ask Him to bless it to further His kingdom. I know that He needs nothing I have, but it is freedom when you let go of it… because you KNOW that we will not go back on His promise. God does not need your money, but you offer it anyway. He will bless it, and others will receive it. You will NEVER be poor if you give to the Lord. He will never harm you. You will see you riches again one day… in the face of our Savior.
What now? Peace. Battles will be fought, but love always always wins. Love has already won.