A Confession


Dear Friend,

I had a breakthrough of sorts tonight. It hurt a lot, but I’ll be OK. I have been searching hard for a God moment, but I was looking in all the wrong places. I was looking for something to happen with certain people or for a situation to work out exactly how I wanted it. I wasn’t living in the present; I was living for the future, and that’s dumb. We aren’t guaranteed tomorrow, so you must live for today. I had a feeling something huge was going to happen this week. It did. It wasn’t what I wanted. Like I said, it hurt a lot, but what’s coming out of it is far better than what I wanted.

I was being selfish. I was not thinking about God. Well, I was, but I was putting Him in my box. He really has His way to get the focus back on Him. My poor little heart was broken, and it is all for Him. I don’t blame God because He showed me how much I really need Him. I have a feeling it’s a glimpse into how I will have to fall into His arms in Germany. There are some things I cannot explain because I have no clue what it’s about. I cannot explain some thing because some things just need to be left unsaid. All I know is that God loves me, and all I want to do is serve Him. All I want is to be broken to the point where I can only rely on Him to get me through. That way, He is in control of my life, and His best for me really will happen. I don’t want control. All I manage to do is get myself hurt. I get tunnel vision in the worst way, and He knows that. He also knows how to blow up the tunnel.

I learned tonight that I really cannot rely on people to make me fully happy. I know that God made us relational, but we can’t get our happiness from people. People are fallen. That includes me. I can’t even make myself happy. I’m my own worst enemy and critic most of the time. Actually, happiness is fleeting. I need and want contentment in life. That’s feeling joy no matter the crap that goes on around you. This evening, I took a big dose of sick to learn that. I made myself physically ill because of my tunnel vision… because I relied on a person to make me happy… because I was lying to myself that God was in control. He made me a promise, and that should have been it. Instead, I have manipulated a lot things kind of passive aggressively. There are other more aggressive things I could have done that could have gotten me a lot more hurt.

Even when I tried to control the situation, God still was (is) all powerful and helped me avoid getting my heart ripped to shreds. I still have hope and faith in His promise, but I won’t be concentrating on it. It’s not what I need to be working for. God is what I need to be working for. I need to live in His love and accept His grace. There is nothing I can do to earn His favor or blessings. Really, life is a blessing. I am victorious.

Here’s to a healing, wounded heart–
Jennifer

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