for real

It’s real. I’m going to Germany. No, I haven’t just figured this out. Yes, it has just started in sink in. I leave in less than a month. I am in the painful process of moving. I’m tired, and I am trying not think about how much I am going to miss my friends and family (biological, chosen, and church). I know that I cannot do this, but God can. I just have to fully realize that. I also think that I have, for some odd reason, reverted back to Pacific Time. That’s probably not good. I’ll figure it out.

Please continue to pray for me as all of this sets in. I am still in kind of a fog or daze or whatever. Not spiritually but mentally, perhaps? As in, I still am in slight denial about this whole thing. It’s almost like an out of body experience. I can feel myself hovering over me screaming that I’m going to Germany, and my body is shaking its head saying, “Nope! What are you talking about?” Of course, when they come back together, mind wins, and I freak a little.

I know deep within me that God is in control. I am not doing this; God is. But, the human in me wants to completely spaz and cry. But, the Jesus in me tell me that everything will be perfect. I think I should listen more to my light in the dark world than me… the dark. Don’t you? It helps that all of this is going on around Christmas. I am serious in saying that. I am constantly reminded of why I am going… for God. He humbled Himself and became a man. A God Man. Perfectly human and perfectly God. He dwelt among us and showed us how to live, then He (completely sinless) died a sinner’s death only to conquer the grave to ultimately bring glory to God but to also save us from eternity without God. He died for me, so I work for Him. It’s as simple as that. You ask me why I am going and I will give you this answer: I go because God called me, otherwise, I have no idea.

It’s all up to Him. My life is His, and I think that’s pretty cool. I don’t have to worry about a thing as long as I serve Him. I had a choice to give up right to choose. But, I am not angry that God controls me. He knows me better than I know myself, and He will do whatever he wants to bring glory to Him, and you know what that is???? TO LOVE ME!! Yes! He loves me! The God who created everything loves me. It’s breathtaking and romantic and beautiful and awe-inspiring. I’ll do whatever it takes.

Some advice: Don’t ask– How far is too far? Ask this– How far am I willing to go to please my God?

Give it up. Stop trying to control your life. I’m not saying that I have it all figured out or that I always let God control me. Technically, He does, but I still manage to try and fight it and make myself miserable. But, I know from experience how God can change a person. He changed me. Perhaps I’ll tell you someday on this blog. I tend to start a lot of things at once. I’m currently reading four books, and I have two or three writing projects going. What I want to do– more like what I feel like I need to do is to finally write my story. I will share it one day, and you’ll get glimpses of it as I go along because I am sure that I will be forced to examine myself more and more as I prepare for Germany and as I work in Germany.

I also wanted to let you know that the state of my heart is pretty amazing. Thanks for your concerns and prayers. God knows what He’s doing, and I love Him all the more. I hope to never stop learning and discovering. I never want to stop improving.

Dear reader, seek Him with all of your heart. Give Him your troubles, hopes, and dreams. Delight yourself in Him. Become like Him, and you will be amazed at how He makes you whole.

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