I want to tell you what’s going on inside my head. I think that maybe someone else is going through it, too. Maybe it will help. Maybe it will make someone laugh with relief. Maybe it might make you cry. (In which case, I’m very sorry. Unless you needed it. Then, you’re welcome.)
My thoughts pattern after what’s going on in my life. I think the mess really boils down to one thing: I’ve tried to do this on my own. I’ve tried to make decisions I shouldn’t make, or I have just done nothing hoping God would make things magically appear. You know, one of those I-trust-You-God-is-vending-machine-please-give-me-what-I-want thoughts.
Here are some snippets of thoughts:
1. What is going on with money? My job hasn’t paid me in a month (again), and I really need some help. God?
2. What? Lithia Springs? OK. What about Woodstock and Kennesaw? I can’t just leave. Can I? Where will I go? I miss everyone.
3. Service. What can I do? I’m scared and frustrated. Frustrated that I haven’t done anything. Have I?
4. Wow. Everyone is getting married. I really hope their marriages show God’s love and that they have the greatest adventure. I wonder if I’ll ever get married. Don’t be selfish. I’m not. Why do you want to get married? If I told you, you’d laugh.
5. Defy the system! Listen to music that’s not about God or Jesus but is good music. Woo-hoo! This is great. Why do I feel so empty all of a sudden? Oh. That’s why. You just completely stopped listening to good worship music. That’s why you can’t stop crying when you hear a worship song. Idiot.
6. You’re listening to a lot of sermons. Does this count as a Bible study? Can you get away with that if you’re learning from them? Sure, why not? Oh. Wait. Who am I fooling? Certainly not God. That’s why you’ve been so lonely and empty, too. Great choice, genius. Ecclesiastes. Really? Yeah.
7. Why did you stop writing? That makes you feel empty, too. You know good and well that’s your gift from God. It’s how you connect with Him and with others. But…
8. Wow. All this school stuff is reminding you of why you’re worthless. Jesus says you’re not worthless. Hm. Why don’t I believe you?
You see why I can’t write about just one thing? Some things don’t need to written about and some do. There are also some other things I have in mind. Perhaps I’ll write a lot a lot and post them on different days. We’ll see what happens.